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[07 Dec 2009|04:48am] |
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All I have to say is God is amazing and prayer is powerful.
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[24 Nov 2009|10:07pm] |
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hurt |
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The Good Wife |
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In my last post, I said that George and I were going to try to stay in better contact. I heard from him the day after I got back. I tried to call him a couple days after and it went straight to voicemail and then he never called me back. So I said fuck it. I didn't talk to him anymore (and he didn't try to talk to me) and I moved on. I had no sense of longing to even talk to him. I just didn't care. A month later he texts me just to ask if I was pregnant. It was one of those "WOW you're a douche" moments. I told him no and haven't heard from him sense. And I'm completely okay with that.
I also got a semi-second job. One of the parents from the school broke her ankle and has been needing help with things so I've been doing that a couple days a week. Tax free money. :) That's a good deal, I just don't know what I'll do when she's all better.
Now for a bit of honesty: even before I got together with George, I had gotten kind of numb emotionally. If I started to really like someone, it was more of me convincing myself I should like them. I had little spurts of assumed happiness or excitement, but it was pretty superficial. In reality, I was either numb or angry. And then Halloween came around and I made new friends. I met someone who actually treated me well, met me more than half way and broke through my wall. First the first time in I don't even know how long, I found myself genuinely liking someone and excited about it. Patience was required from me, and I was more than willing to give it. It was worth it. Completely. And then everything blew up in my face and I'm left waiting and wondering what the hell is going on. I'm still wanted...it's complicated. All I can do is pray I don't end up with the short end of the stick yet again.
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| I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly... |
[14 Oct 2009|03:32am] |
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Fireflies by Owl City |
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I had a good weekend. I decided to go to Orlando. It was completely spur-of-the-moment and AWESOME. Friday I had the over-whelming urge to call George and was surprised that he actually answered. I was sure that he didn't want to talk to me which is why I haven't talked to him in months, despite my missing his friendship. I didn't see many people while in Orlando, but it was cool. I stayed at George's; we talked, saw Paranormal Activity. He's getting his life on track and we're going to try to keep in better contact. See how things go.
I also saw Ani's new apartment. It's very nice! I hadn't just hung out with him in a long time and it was quite pleasant. We played some games on his X-box and I think, if given the means, I would actually be a gamer. Some of the controls were confusing and I got quite flustered when the bad guys popped out of no-where and started shooting me, but it was a lot of fun. :) While I was there, Dani and Joe came over for a little bit. We played Ninja Turtles. <3
I also saw Chris. He looks exactly the same as he did a year ago. And I finally got my stuff from his house. Only took me a year. >_>
Being in Orlando actually gave me some motivation. Ani and George both gave me semi-pep talks? Hearing it from them is a hell of a lot different than hearing it from my grandparents. I feel like such a failure when it's coming from my grandparents but hearing it from Ani and George left me with a sense of determination. Like, I actually want to get up and do something. My brain has been working to figure out what kind of second job I could get (because I need one BAD) and how I could work in school. Possibly even moving back to Orlando to get back to UCF. Who knows.
In other news, Shay and I finally got the boys of Nothing Promised together to take their pictures. I swear, they are the most ADD band in the history of EVER. I'd pose them and one of them would start walking away. It's like herding cats. But we did end up with some pretty good pictures. Even if the pansy boys had to get their shoes wet. :P
Also!! I am now a moderator on touchedbytwilight.net. I'm actually really excited about it. If you don't know, it's Twilight fansite for 18+ with forum and gallery. I've been involved with them for over a year now, but I'm officially involved. It gives me a sense of importance. Plus, if I'm going to get into graphic/web design, this should help, right?? Only down side is now I'm following a Twilight information LJ community...I had to go through PAGES AND PAGES of friends page to get to people's posts I actually know. Oh well. I'll live. :P I'm excited.
But now I'm going to go pass out. Why is it I can't seem to get to sleep before 4am? >_<
I've also been sneezing a lot. Wtf.
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[17 Sep 2009|09:02pm] |
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So many people bitch and moan about myspace...well, after attempting to do some profile editing on HERE, I'll take myspace any day of the week!!! Ugh!!!
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[15 Sep 2009|07:53pm] |
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NCIS :D |
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I really never update this thing. It's not that things don't happen in my life, it's just I think I feel too lazy to write it out or I don't really know how to combine it. Not that anything is really exciting or interesting to anyone else. I don't even find it exciting or interesting.
But on the off chance anyone is interested (and this is a good way for me to look back and see what was going on Sept 2009) here's the scoop:
I'm single and not looking. I'm not closed off to the possibility of a relationship, I'm just not looking for one. Honestly, I don't have a set interest in anyone. That's not to say people aren't interested in me though. O_O My friend Billy jokes that I'm asexual all the time and right now that's really how I feel. It's strange. But after the relationship with George where I put in more than my fair share of effort and emotional support, I don't know if I'm up to that right now. He said that he wanted me back and that he still loves me, but I can't do that again. Not right now anyway. So he tried to turn it around and tried to guilt me into it and I actually stood my ground for once! I told him I couldn't be in a relationship right then so he deiced he's "moving on with his life" because apparently life goes on with or without me. Really? Life doesn't stop for me??? I had no idea...
A really big thing for me lately is I don't hate Docken anymore. I was dragged to a Nothing Promised show and it helped me get over the animosity I felt towards him. We're not friends, but he doesn't make me sick anymore. I'm not angry anymore and I think that's a very good thing. I can be around him and function civilly. Same goes for Monte. We're friends again I guess. It's a lot less drama.
I have a job. It's not much but the pay rate is pretty good but I get maybe 10 hours a week. I'm doing aftercare for 2nd-5th grade at a private school. And I really like it. My grandparents are on my case to find another job but everything they want me to go for would require me to quit this one. And I'm just so into the idea of quitting a job I actually like to work at a fastfood place or something...oh yes. Let me tell you.
Roleplay has been going well. I finally got around to editing my character Aranelle's history to include the Strange Affairs storyline. Took me long enough. But I've been focusing more on Aranelle and Strange Affairs lately because I'm sick of dealing with the horrible writers and immaturity of the other people involved with my Vanice characters. I just have no inspiration to write for them right now...*sigh* Whatever. I've been doing a lot of html and Photoshop stuff with it. :D
Watching NCIS right now. It's a replay of last season's finale since next Tuesday is the season premiere and the series premiere of NCIS: LA!!! I'm excited. And 9pm tonight is the finale of Big Brother 11. I SO hope Jordan wins. Or Kevin. But I'd prefer Jordan. She's so cute and they've been talking all cycle and her family could really use the money. But if Natalie wins...I'll punch someone.
As for school...I still have no idea what I'm doing. >_
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[16 Jun 2009|09:36pm] |
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Burn Notice commercial |
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Here's a quick update since big things changed this past week.
1. Barnie's closed. I am no longer a coffee girl. But I had an interview kinda thing with Sun Toyota to do filing work in the office...they were supposed to call me back last Friday and didn't. Sean called to ask how it went and ended up calling them for me on Monday to see what's up. He said they're still looking through things but I'm number one so not to worry. He also told me I should hear from them today. Nothing. But the lady had been talking to me about when I'd start and such so I don't really know what to think. I REALLY hope everything works out.
2. I'm single. George broke up with me in an incredibly lame way but I'm okay. I was a little sad but I think it's for the better. He has a lot of things he needs to deal with and we're still on speaking terms.
It feels weird not going to the Harry Potter premiere. I would definitely have liked to but...didn't happen. I'm supposed to go Thursday afternoon to see it with Caroline. As for right now, I'm sitting alone. Gramma and Grampa went to Pennsylvania today til the 28th so I'm alone 'til then. Although, I'm going to camp the 19th through the 25th so I won't be here by myself the whole time. It's kinda weird. But I'm excited about camp.
I've also been playing with photoshop a lot more lately and am getting pretty darned good, if I do say so myself. For what I've been doing, anyway. I've been working with Z on our RPG and it's exciting. I just wish I could get more people to audition. It's a fun mix of all kinds of cracktastic craziness. Good writing skill required. And it's through myspace of course. If you're interest let me know :D
Now I'm hungry...Grano made me want Chipotle but that's not an option at the moment. :'( So I'm gonna go try to find something else.
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[15 May 2009|04:22am] |
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So you all know I roleplay. And occasionally I'll make friendships with the people behind the character. I did so with my character Querina's fiancee Romeo. His real name was Christian. He was 20 and pretty much an awesome guy. He was sweet and funny and a good listener. He had had heart surgery recently and was recovering from it. It seemed like he was always sick. He stopped getting online about 2 weeks ago and I was told through others that knew him it was because he was getting really sick again and had to have more heart procedures. On June 3, he passed away from complications and I just found out today. I didn't know him very long but I'm really upset by it. I only talked to him through myspace or AIM but I always looked forward to our conversations. He was a good listener and fun to talk to. I'm gonna miss him. :(
Rest in peace Christian. I'm glad you're not in pain anymore. <3
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[08 May 2009|02:06am] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
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Today was wonderful. All of the things blowing up in my life seemed to come together in some way.
1. Bought a car. Red 2008 Chevy Aveo <3 And I didn't need a cosigner because apparently I have rocking credit. Wasn't aware of that! <3 the Singh brothers.
2. Boyfriend and I are communicating again. Wooooooot.
3. Got a really cute new bathing suit that looks awesome on me. And an orange coverup thingy. Megan has a matching one. :)
^Proof that God answers prayers^
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[24 Apr 2009|06:53pm] |
So I've been having to deal with insurance and crap, which is no fun. Plus, since the accident, I've pretty much had some sort of constant head-ache. I'm very tired of walking around in a sort of fog. That gets old real fast. And I got the estimate from the repair place: $5000+. Which according to their computer is more than my car is worth so it's pretty much totaled. I'm now waiting to hear from State Farm and see if they agree. If they do...I don't know what I'm going to do about the car. :(
On a brighter note, I finally saw Star Trek and it was FRIGGIN AWESOME.
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| ARE YOU KIDDING ME? |
[17 Apr 2009|04:54am] |
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fan and typing |
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Here's to the drunk douche that rear-ended me then drove off: YOU SUCK.
That's right, kiddies: I got hit. Again at a red light while I was sitting perfectly still. Unlike last time, I can't drive my car until it's fixed 'cause the bumper is digging into the back left tire. AWESOME. Police report estimates $4,000 worth of damage. Ugh. And Grampa took me to the ER where it was discovered that I have a sprained neck. Though it must not be as bad as last time 'cause they didn't tell me to wear a neck brace. They did however give me a script for a muscle relaxer. And the doctor says to me "go to this specialist. you have a [normal people talk: effed up vertebrae you were born with]. you need an mri. kthx bye" and left. I was confused. O_O So yeah...I wonder if my car insurance will cover that 'cause it's a follow-up from the accident. The doctor said a lot of my neck problems come from the messed up thing 'cause it gets jarred or whatever. IDK. Either way, I'm severely ANNOYED.
But other than that, I had a lovely night with Ani and Andrea. :D
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[03 Apr 2009|11:10pm] |
So I like my job but I don't like one of my coworkers. Every time I work with her, she's "so fucking pissed" about something. And she has a horrible attitude. She's so in a hurry to close everything that she dumps the iced coffee like 5 hours before closing and takes out the trash and then gets pissed when CUSTOMERS throw something away. I can understand wanting to get things done so you're not there forever after closing, but COME ON. Ugh! AND the girl can't fucking count. She has NO IDEA how to properly work the cash register so she ends up fucking up everything. She doesn't know what she's doing and she's got a horrible attitude with the customers. I don't even know how she's still working there.
-end rant.
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| I shall attempt this... |
[30 Mar 2009|04:44am] |
Comment, and I'll:
1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, a word etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your LJ.
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[29 Mar 2009|05:53am] |
I do not post very often. Its not that things don't happen to me it's just...well, I'm kind of lazy and I find myself not real good at the whole "summing things up" thing lately. So here's a quick what's up with me:
-almost done with the online class. woooooooot. though i still don't know what i'm doing with my further schooling. le sigh.
-still with the boyfriend and its all kinds of peachy. i love him. he's fantabulous. best part? he loves me. :)
-job still good though i could use a raise. :/
-aunt put her dog down today. sadness all around, but tiger's better off. he was old, sick, and had stopped eating. RIP tiger. <3
-ZAK FIXED COMPYCHAN COMPLETELY! can't even TELL you how excited i am. more memory = faster computer = multi-tasking! aaaaand i know have photoshop, illustrator, and dreamweaver. latest editions, too. apart from car, i'm probably his biggest fan right now. :)
-and i've been watching a lot of buffy the vampire slayer. they're speech is amusing and so like how car and i talk. its wonderous. i'm working on season 3 now. there are 7 [as i found out from leah]. i know at least 1-5 are at wally world. i own the first 3. and i've got mom watching them :)
-oh! aaaand seeing my lovely new icon [that i found], i got george the 1st season of supernatural like i'd been wanting to, so we're slowly working on that together. he waits for me to watch it and usually get about 1 disk done every time i visit. good show, chap!
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[20 Mar 2009|02:41am] |
Here's a quick update: I'm very pleased with my life. I still haven't decided what I'm doing after this semester, but I'm leaning more towards Orlando. I still love my job. :D And I have a boyfriend. His name is George and he's older and more mature and he's just wonderful. He's totally the Edward to my Bella [yes, I realize how much of a nerd I am]. And I've been hanging out with Car more. Happy day!
And now, because I like surveys and Rose posted it, a survey for your viewing pleasure [or annoyance]:
Ever kissed a Robert, Tyler, Ryan, Andrew or Michael?
Robert and Michael.
Have you ever asked a boy for advice?
yes i have.
Name something you dislike about the day you're having?
webcourses wasn't working earlier so i had to wait to do my quiz.
What are you thinking of right now?
answers to this survey. i'm exciting, i know.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
happy
Have you ever slept in the same bed as the same sex?
i have. sleep overs! :D
Do you miss anyone?
every day of my life.
Do you feel comfortable with answering personal questions?
usually.
How do you know the last person that commented you?
i have no idea who last commented me, and i don't care to look.
Did your night suck last night?
no. it wasn't spectacular, but it wasn't bad.
How many months until your birthday?
well...i just had a birthday like almost 3 weeks ago so...
Have you been out side longer than 30 minutes today?
nope. i went outside to move my car. that's it.
Can you make yourself sneeze?
idk, i've never tried
What is your current mood?
kinda blah.
Where were you at 9am this morning?
in my bed.
Whose bedroom were you in last besides yours?
George's
Why do you feel the way you feel?
because it's 2:50 am
Who was the last person you yelled at?
I don't remember.
What are you listening to right now?
nothing
How has the week been?
good. can't really complain.
Is there something you wish you could tell someone but can't?
not really.
Do you sleep with the TV on?
nope. if it's on, i generally won't sleep.
Are you too forgiving?
oooh yes.
What are you stressed out about?
money. life.
How many windows are open on your computer?
4
In the past week have you gotten sick?
nope
What are you doing?
well obviously im on the computer. jeeze, not to bright are you?
Who was your last call from?
Georgie. :P
When was the last time you drove far?
i drove from orlando on tuesday
How many clothes do you have in your closet?
too many
Do you think you'll be a good Mother/Father?
yes
Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
ugh, yes
Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
probably.
Are you happier single or in a relationship?
i can be happy in both situations, though i'm thoroughly pleased with my relationship
Have you ever been cheated on?
yes
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
probably
Has someone broken your heart?
of course.
Have you dated people who weren't good to you?
hahaha story of my life until now. no, wait. robbie was nice to me too.
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
yes.
So, what if you married the last person you kissed?
that'd be pretty sweet.
What was the last reason you wanted to cry?
george. but it was a good wanting to cry.
When will your next kiss be?
tuesday
Would you prefer a baby boy or girl?
i think i'd be happy with either, though i've alawys thought of having a son.
Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence?
george
What did you do today?
sat at the computer all day. i ate some food. watched some tv. got homework done! :D
Aaaand, the end. :D
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[26 Feb 2009|11:30pm] |
I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions, but at the same time I don't know how to explain it all. Time just goes by too quickly, I think.
First off: I love my job. New manager Isaac is amazing. It's nice to actually get along with my boss. And be complimented on what I'm doing.
I've started this nail business thing with my friend. It's slow starting, but I'm hoping it works out. I've invested probably more than was smart for me so far. :/
I need more hours and better pay. I gotta talk to Isaac about that, but I'm kinda scared too. I don't like asking for things.
Roleplay is wonderful but has been going kinda slow. I really need to write my intro for soul stones. Unfortunately, I still have no idea how my character will meet anyone else's character.
My original plan was to move back to Orlando this year...but with how many ties I have here now, I'm not so sure. I love UCF and I want to go there, but I'm not sure if I want to stay in education. Plus, finances scare me. And it's so far from my church and bible study...I'm honestly really mixed up and don't know where to go from here.
Also, I'm finally pretty content with being single and just searching after God and learning to love myself. But suddenly it seems people want me. It's weird how things work that way. When you're looking, there's no one but as soon as you stop, everyone wants you. o_O
I feel shaky and over-whelmed and that's all there is to it.
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[06 Feb 2009|02:30am] |
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So, I'm not usually one to deny someone when they ask to hang out with me unless I'm actually busy. But if I say I'm busy AND I'm not ready to see you, take the hint. PLEASE.
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[24 Jan 2009|10:10pm] |
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I must say that I love that I seem to have been just completely forgotten about...
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[04 Jan 2009|02:18am] |
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Circus - Britney Spears |
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So I made it to the house church on Thursday. The Fellowship was AMAZING and I loved it. Definitely going back. Took 58 minutes to get there and (because I'm retarded with directions) had a small issue finding the house. But it was all good, I still ended up being like the first person there. I was even there before JT. But Jenny was there and I got to talk with her. Met a lot of new people, though I didn't really get to talk with most of them. JT decided that everyone needed to know who I was, so he had me stand up and twirl...yeah. But we ate (really spicy) spaghetti then listened to a lesson given by Jenny on fellowship with the Holy Spirit and righteousness then JT talked about taming the tongue. Jenny is constantly amazing me. AND!!! For the like the first time in my life, I was able to contribute to something with scripture! While JT was talking, I remembered something I had read a few days previous in Ecclesiastes (OMG I can't believe I spelled that right the first time...) and read it out loud and explained it. I wasn't sure if it would follow the same path JT was going for, but he said it fit perfectly. That right there just prompted my desire to learn more of the Bible. I've actually been reading it more. I'm almost through Genesis. But after the lesson, we split up (boys and girls) and discussed some and prayed. People started to trickle out after that. Jenny tried to teach me a few cords on the guitar.. G, D, and one other. E maybe. JT eventually joined us and we ended up singing praise and worship together. I sang by myself at one point, which just goes to show how comfortable I am with the two of them already. Then we rocked out to Shawn McDonald <3. Hung out for awhile, JT went to bed, and Jenny and I danced around the kitchen eating cantelope. God has an awesome sense of humor. I've been needing fellowship and he gives me it in the form of The Fellowship. Heh.
In talking with BB, he said he expects me at his church on Sunday night. It starts at 7 and I work til 6... I'm gonna try my best to get there. He also said he wants me to speak about how God's convicting me......... sigh.
When I told my grandparents about Sunday, my grandmother gave me some static about driving so far for church, so I turned around and asked if she'd rather I just didn't go to church. I mean, there aren't any night services around here that I know of and I can't go in the am 'cause of work. And I actually get something out of these other services. Sigh... feels like I'm constantly hitting road blocks. I almost didn't want to tell them about it 'cause I knew I'd hear something about the gas...I'm starting to understand my mother better.
I also got into it with Suzette today... long story short, she looked at me like I was stupid for asking a legit question and I stood up to her. Things got "resolved" but it was pretty much me taking all the blame. Sigh. I really can't wait 'til she's not there anymore.
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[31 Dec 2008|10:49pm] |
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music |
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New Years stuff on TV |
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I haven't been updating much. I hope everyone had a good Christmas. :) Ours was a bit less traditional than we do most of the time. Christmas eve, I went over to Ken's and watched The Santa Clause 2 (cute movie) then spent the night at my mom's. I brought her red and green M&Ms and a string of 50 lights because she needed to be more festive. :D Christmas day, we all went over to Lori's for food and gifts and togetherness. We had chicken catchetori... odd Christmas dinner if you ask me, but it was good. Everyone REALLY liked the gifts I got them, a lot more than I had expected, and it made me feel good. :) All together, I got bags, shirts, shoes, socks, and a daily inspirational thingy.
The day after Christmas I got up at 4:45am and opened at work. Yay... After work, I rushed around to get ready for camp, had lunch with Caroline and Joi, and then left for camp. Went over the Skyway for the first time...scary high bridge. This new route my mother sent me on to get to camp took 2 1/2 hours, so I was a bit late. Oh well. This past week was AWESOME. God brought me out of my apathy, a girl got slain in the spirit (which is weird and awesome to witness), and I made new friends. We did get pranked one night by the guys... OMG I wanted to punch them. They locked us in our cabin with a picnic table and bench against the door. They came and banged on the door to wake us up at like 3:30 in the morning and then I couldn't get out...it was very frustrating. Missy (another counselor) climbed out the window and flung the table. I really wish I could've seen that. Seth (one of the pastors) shot me in the head at close range with an airsoft gun. OW. Then Geromy (counselor) shot me multiple times... I DON'T LIKE AIRSOFT GUNS. But seeing other people get shot was really funny. Haha. But it was freaking HOT most of the week. It was really cold last night, which was awesome, but that was it. I could actually see my breath last night. :) There was some serious drama, but it was handled early and after that, the week went pretty smoothly. And my new friends, JT and his younger sister Jenny, are two of the most amazing people I've ever met. JT's 19 and so enthusiastic about God and the Bible. It's amazing. And Jenny (13) is just as fantastic. She definitely seems older than she is. I have a good feeling about this friendship. I'm planning on going to their house tomorrow night for a house church kinda deal. I've been wanting (needing) to go back to church, and since I can't really go on Sunday, I figured I can go to something on Thursday. And I'm in serious need of good fellowship, so I have no problem driving an hour to get it.
For once, I actually have some resolutions for the new year. I need to be a better Christian, getting more into the Word and being a better witness. I've decided that I'm going to try to avoid relationships if I can. Well, not avoid, but not try for anything. I've realized that if I'm ever to fully love someone or be in love truly, I need to be in love with God first. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. I need to focus. They say that the best place for Christian men to find a good Christian wife (and vise versa) is to search within God. He loves us and wants to know us. I had a revelation the other day. Most that know me know that I have issues with being ignored and feeling like I'm always doing all the work with my friendships. I contact them, I travel to see them, etc. Every once in awhile I'll get a phone call or not have to drive or whatever, but mostly it's me. While in prayer the other day I realized that's pretty much exactly what happens with God. He loves us and wants to badly to be part of our lives and is always there trying to get our attention. And if we see it or realize it, we'll respond and even sometimes seek after him first, but more often than not its a kind of "Oh, no, I'm busy right now" kinda deal. It made him seem more relateable to me. It was exciting.
Other resolutions are to not fail at school and hopefully make my way back to Orlando. And not be lazy in general. Yeah, that sounds good.
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[04 Dec 2008|06:09pm] |
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mood |
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stressed beyond comprehension |
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My heart feels as though something is squeezing it, my jaw is clenched, and my back is tense. It seems as though I'm backed into a corner and I don't know how to get out. I don't want to hear voices, and I don't want to be touched. I'm at the point where I just wanna say "Fuck school" and just work. Yes, I know I got myself into a bad situation, but I don't see anyway to help myself out of it. I'm so fucking screwed.
I just want to scream and hit things at this point.
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